Years ago I was consumed by feelings of worry. Worried that people didn't like me. Worried that I wasn't smart enough. Worried that I wasn't good enough. Worried. Call it paranoia, call it anxiety, call it a case of the crazies, call it what you want, but what an awful way to go through the day. Whether real or not, I really felt like these fears were based in truth. As time passed and various components came in and out of my life, these feelings subsided and I became a whole person again.
Now here I find myself, again, in this state of worry. However, this time is a bit different. I am X-many years older, which means I am (theoretically) X-many years wiser. I have stressors all over the place right now. Trying to make a baby is more anxiety and depression and stress creating than I could have ever imagined. It brings out feelings of inadequacy that I haven't felt in years. Very trying on yourself, your marriage, your work life. My job is, as previously discussed, not the place I wish it was. It also is not the place that it once was. I used to love school. It was the only place I wanted to be. As the years passed and I gained wonderful things in other areas of my life, school became more of "a job". This year, more than ever before, I feel like I don't belong there. I feel like I don't fit in. Those things are based in truth; it is how I feel. But I also feel like people don't like me anymore. Which sounds childish, but it is how I feel. More than ever before, I feel like I am "just the music teacher". I feel very much that I don't matter. Not from administration, but from co workers. I feel like I walk down the hallway and people don't look at me, let alone talk to me. Are those things based in truth? Maybe, maybe not. But I feel it, and it affects me. I worry about my brother and his health, both mental and physical. But even more than him, I worry about how his health affects my father, and subsequently his own mental health. I worry about my husband, and how his basket-case of a wife affects him. I worry that he doesn't know how much I appreciate and love him. I worry that he doesn't know that he keeps me on my feet.
I worry.
I think you need to put yourself out there a little more. I sometimes witness the observer Stacey and the social Stacey. They are 2 very different people. If you feel like your unliked by your co-workers engage those ppl more, change what bothers you. BTW - LOVE, LOVE, the new back ground, so glad the other one is GONE.
ReplyDeleteLove your blog, I feel you. It's amazing how we feel like we'll grow out of things all of our life, and years later insecurity is still there. Infertility doesn't help. I am in the same boat, trying for 15+ months with unexplained infertility. Every month is a waiting game, every month you lose a little bit more, become slightly more numb. That's just me though.
ReplyDeletePs: My most influential teachers in my life were my music teachers - so much passion and soul. Be proud or your job. :)
April,
ReplyDeleteFirst, thanks for reading! You're my first follower!!
We are also going on month 15 of unexplained infertility. It is probably one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. You are right, every month you become slightly more numb, slightly more of a basketcase.
My job is something I am proud of, being a music teacher is the only thing I ever wanted to do (except be a vetrinarian, until I learned that you'd have to deal with sick and dead animals.) Inner city is tough enough and when you don't have support from the powers that be, it becomes even harder. Not to mention that when you are stressed in your personal life, small things everywhere else seem huge.
I would love to read your blog, how do I get invited in?
*Stacey*
Hello again! So glad that you got my comment, and again I really like your blog. I get a kick out of your pups - I have 3 myself they are our babies for now.
ReplyDeleteGlad you can relate. My husband is incredibly supportive but sometimes I think he must think I'm nuts, the ups and downs of trying to conceive. Not to mention PMS, getting hopeful at EVERY little symptom, then getting mad that I'm hopeful, only to be let down time and time again. Sounds pretty much like I'm a basketcase, huh? ;)
Glad you love your job, it's hard to continue having a passion for something when personal life or even work life isn't as planned. I'm a labor and delivery RN, which I'm sure you can imagine is starting to get difficult for me (in my head, that is).
If you send me back a comment with your email address then it'll send you an email and you can check out my blog (I think that's how it works haha)! I have it locked just b/c there is a lot of old writing, old poetry sometimes that I dig up that I just don't want others finding. It's a nice release... :)
April,
ReplyDeleteMy email is sgordon515@gmail.com
Hope to hear from you soon!
*Stacey*
Hey! Sorry it took a little bit, my hubby & I went camping for a few days over Halloween! I added you to my list you should get an email soon!
ReplyDelete