Dec. 22

Showing the love to Michael's daycare teachers. 

Dec. 22

*These are from last night*

On the second night of Hannukah my true love gave to me, 

Two polo shirts! 

Dec. 20

On the first night of Hannukah my true love gave to me...

Two Converse high tops! 

Dec. 19

Such a big boy. 

Dec. 18

Michael's first Hannukah party

Dec. 17

Penny Lane

Dec. 16

My boy loves the vacuum. 

Ten

Yep, that's a Snuggie with dogs on it. Super cozy. 

Nine

Good grief. He's so big. 

Eight

I don't care what else I get. This will always be my favorite Hannukah present. 

Seven

Four, Five and Six

Cesar Milan and Junior, at the Bushnell

Big boy trying to get up the stairs.

Our first baby.

Cesear

The husband and I went to see Cesear Milan last night. In an act of random thoughtfulness, he bought the tickets as a Hannukah present. We weren't sure what to expect, but it was fantastic. He talked and told stories and jokes for an hour and a half, and then took questions from the audience. He brought with him Junior, his beautiful gray and white pit bull that he brings with him everywhere. He told stories about his craziest clients and joked about the difference between the United States and Mexico. We had a great night.

My mother in law watched Michael and he, of course, screamed like a lunatic when it was time for us to leave. I thought for sure he would scream until bedtime and she would say "he hates me", but luckily when we called at intermission, he he stopped and was playing. Thankfully he woke up in a much better mood.

I will post yesterday and today's picture when I get home tonight. I promise.

Three

We were so afraid we'd have to worry about Penny with the baby. Turns out she loves him. 

Two

Who's that baby? 

DPP

I've seen some things about this and thought it would be fun. For the first 25 days of December you post a picture on your blog. And maybe it will be featured on their site! And it guarantees I blog every day! And I get to show off pictures! 

During the October storm we had no power and stayed with my parents. The doggers are our family, we couldn't leave them home. This was one of the few moments of calm. My codependant Rexer who doesn't like being out of his element for too long, spend most of the week barking at nothing or trying to jump up on my mother's expensive furniture (sometimes succeeding). My Penner, always afraid of everything, was the surprising voice of reason. I love this picture of them. 

Infant 2

At daycare, they have two infant rooms. One for little babies and one for babies who are more mobile maybe even walking. Michael is the oldest one in Infant 1 and his girlfriend Charlotte is the second oldest. Every once in a while when the numbers are low in I2, Michael and Charlotte will go over with "the big kids". I like when he's over there; they are able to do more fun things because the kids are a little bit older. (I also like the teacher better.) This morning when I dropped him off, the teacher from I2 was there and told me that two of her kids moved up to the toddler room and that they would start transitioning him into her room next week. That's great, I said. She explained to me about what would happen and I looked at my boy and said, cause you're a big boy! And he smiled and giggled.

Part of me feels like I should be said about this. That I should want him to be a baby forever. But I don't want him to be a baby forever. I love this age and I will love the ages coming up. While I don't look forward to the temper tantrums and atttitude, I am looking forward to doing things with him.
I am looking forward to enjoying him grow up.

Wednesday

Our power came back on Thursday. Four full days without. You never really realize how reliant you are on modern convieninces until you don't have them. You also never really realize how thankful you are to have them. Heat, hot water, a working refrigerator. Its amazing that there are people in our country who live without them, every day.

Tomorrow, November 10th, is our anniversary. Four years ago, I walked down the aisle of my childhood synagouge, hand in hand with my parents, tears running down my face, and married a man I had only known a year in a half, but who I knew was going to be my husband for the rest of forever. We rode in an old car to the reception and danced and danced and had a wonderful time.

On Saturday night, Michael's going to stay at Bubbie and Poppie's and L and I are going to have our second childless night in nine and a half months. We have reservations at Ruth's Chris, where we got engaged. Maybe we'll go to a movie, maybe we'll just sleep. I do miss the sleep.

The Beaner cried when I left him this morning. I hate when he does that. I waited down the hall a bit so that he couldn't see me, and I tried to hear and comfort him with my thoughts. Stop crying bud, I'll be back after your nap. Go play with your friends, play with the toys. I love you, bud. I snuck back over and peeked through the window. Ms. Diane gave him his binky and he was better. Please don't let him keep the binky once he gets over it, I wanted to say to her but couldn't for fear that he would see me. I don't want him to have the binky if he's just hanging out and playing, I said to her in my thoughts (and have said to her many times out loud). I hope he got over the crying. I hope she took the binky away.

Power

Saturday we watch the snow fall and fall and fall, and counted our blessings that we still had power. We grocery shopped and visited with cousins and played with babies. We rented "Limitless" staring the beautiful Bradley Cooper OnDemand. And then, boom, ten minutes from the movie's ending, the power went out and we haven't seen it again. The husband and I sat at the front window and watched the branches on the trees droop and wondered how the lady next door had her lights on. (Generator, it turns out) Then an hour later, snap, half our tree fell and took down the electrical wires. We grabbed the Beaner out of the crib and brought him in bed with us for fear the tree would fall on our house and certainly all hope of power was lost. When the sun came up in the morning, we looked up and down the street to see so many fallen branches, so much damage. Michael had a sweat shirt and sweat pants on over his pjs but still his nose was so cold. My parents had power, so we packed up the car, doofy dogs and all and headed for the shore. And we've been camped out here ever since.

My week

Last Thursday, Michael and got up and got ready and got ourselves in the car at exactly 7:45 as we do every morning. I must have been preoccupied thinking about the two crock pots full of chili I had in the back seat for soup day at school that I was paying enough attention to the sides of my car as I pulled out of the driveway. It was like slow motion when my driver side mirror bent backwards against the side of the garage. Trying my best not to swear in front of my child. I got out of my car and picked up the pieces. Also trying not to cry as it was only 7:45 in the morning. You don't realize how much you rely on your side mirror until it isn't there.
On Friday, Michael and I got up and got ready and again got ourselves in the car at 7:45. Click, click. Jeep won't start. Click, click. Still won't start. I call the husband. Take the key out and try again, he says. Click, click. No go. So at 7:55, Michael and I got out of the car and spent the day together. Stranded. Thank God for AAA. First guy came at about 9am. He tried to jump the battery. Nothing. Your battery is good, he said. Should I have it towed, he said. No, not yet. Thankful for a family in the car business, I called my brother. No it has to be the battery, he said. Have your husband buy a new battery and it should work, he said. So the husband comes home on his lunch break with a very expensive new battery. Click, click. Its not the battery. Second AAA guy comes about one o'clock and tows it to my father. You don't realize how much you miss your car until you don't have it. But, I did get to stay home with Michael.
(I have terrible luck with cars, and that goes way beyond these two incidents. Did I ever tell you how my car go towed the night before the first day of school a few years ago? Or how my first accident I hit a parked car? Or in college when I hit a moving firetruck? Or in college when I made a u-turn and hit a van and broke my arm? Or...there's many more)
On Saturday we attended our first kid's birthday party. The husband said it felt the we were welcomed into a secret society of parents and kids. I felt like we belonged there. I can't wait to go to our next children's party. (And Michael's in just three months!!)
On Sunday the husband drove me down to the shore so I could get my car. Oh how I missed her. Then my sister and I went bridal gown shopping. My sister has the body of a model. Evey dress looked stunning on her. She will certainly make a beautiful bride. It made me remember how much I love my wedding dress. It made me want to wear it. Our anniversary is in a few weeks. Maybe I will try it on for old times sake.
On Monday my mom picked Michael up from daycare early and they spent the afternoon together. My mother in law called before I got home and my mother answered the phone. Later, we had to listen to and come up with answers for "why can't I spend the day with him?" (You can, just ask) "Why does she always get to be with him?" (She doesn't, you are insecure)
On Tuesday I stayed home from work because Michael had his nine month check up. (Nine months!!) He weighed in at 21 pounds and 28 inches. (Good thing we bought the new carseat!) I cannot believe my guy is going to be ONE YEAR OLD in just 3 short months! After the doctor we went out for a much overdue lunch with Ms. D and her posse where Michael threw three french fries and about fifty cheerios on the floor.
To summarize, last week ended on a bit of a low note, but this week is looking pretty good thus far. I am optomistic that the rest of fall will be fantastic.

Penny's learning to share

This is what happens when Daddy's in charge.

School

Never before in the nine years I've been teaching, have I felt more like "just" the music teacher than I do this year. I could be invisible and no one would know the difference. So long, of course, as the classroom teachers get their prep. To the adults in this building I feel that is my sole purpose. To provide them with a break. To the students, I know that I do matter. I will never be as cool as the gym teacher, but I will always be cooler than math. And of course, that is why you become a teacher; for the students. But wouldn't it be nice to be recognized and appreciated by your peers?

I wish I loved my job more, I really do. But its never because of the students.

So it turns out raising a baby, working full time and living a life take up a lot of ones time. But I am back and I promise to update at least once a week, hopefully more.

The Beaner is no longer a Bean. He is a little boy. He's crawling, and babbling, and getting into all kinds of things that he shouldn't. He's apple picking, and dog tail pulling, and making friends at daycare and being all kinds of cute.

He's had his first Rosh Hashannah, his first Yom Kippur. He tried gefilte fish (he loved it, I knew he would) and matzoh ball soup. Our first Mother's Day and Father's day. He celebrated his aunt's engagement. In a month he'll have his first Thanksgiving. And before we know it, his first Channukah and his first birthday.

He's amazing, this little man of ours. The best part of my day used to be laying in bed with him in the mornings. Now its walking into daycare and watching him grin from ear to ear and squeal with delight at the sight of me. Or maybe its when he crawls over to me and tries to climb up my leg. Or maybe its when he puts his arms out for me to pick him up. Or maybe when I blow raspberries on his belly and he laughs and laughs. Or...

"And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make." ~ The Beatles

Anxiety

Let me first say how happy I am that William and Kate are finally married. The lead up to this wedding seemed to last forever. I'll admit that I was one of the few people who could really care less about all this, but I will say that it was nice to not hear about awful things all of the time on the news. She's beautiful and I think they really are in love, even though I still don't get the fascination with it all.

I'm having major anxiety today because I have to bring Rex to the vet this afternoon and because L won't be home in time, I have to bring the Beaner as well. Big doofy dog, big heavy car seat carrying small baby, teeny tiny vet office, other questionably behaved dogs=very anxious me. L is suppose to meet me at the vet office where he will either stay with Rex or take Michael. It is my hope that L will get there before the actual appointment, best case scenario before I even get out of the car. Its 9:30am now, the appointment is at 3:45 and its already the only thing I can think about. Good lord.

I am so excited to bring Michael to the Daffodil Festival tomorrow. L and I go every year and I'm excited to bring Michael and take pictures in the flowers. I hope we can make it a family tradition every year, taking pictures and seeing how he's grown.

Happy

Going to a specialist at a children's hospital with your three month old? Not fun.

Watching the nurse hold his head while he drinks something gross and has xrays taken of his throat? Not fun.

Waiting an hour for the Ear, Nose and Throat doctor? Really not fun.

Holding your three month old in your arms while a tube is put up his nose and down his throat? Very, very not fun.

Hearing that your son is going to be okay? Really good.

Seeing first hand just how blessed you are to have a very healthy, happy baby? Priceless.

Its been quite a week.

Michael's had an eventful week! Let me get you up to speed.

On Tuesday, Michael and I went to school. He was a big hit with everyone, obviously. He's become quite a ham, smiling and being all kinds of cute. It was nice to see a lot of the people I work with, and so nice to see most of the kids. And Michael survived the visit without being jumped or stolen by a student (L's main concern) or contracting H1N1, MRSA or the Black Plague (my concern).

On Wednesday my grandparents came home from Florida, so the first order of business on Thursday morning was for them to see the Beaner, who they hadn't seen since he was three weeks old. They were, of course, smitten by him and he, of course, hammed it up.

And speaking of grandparents, on Saturday we went up to Massachusetts to visit with L's grandmother, who unfortunately hadn't seen Michael since his Bris at one week old. She was also, smitten.

A little back story~ L's nana is 96. She is what some might call a *pip*. She lives on her own, exercises twice a week and drove up until two years ago. She loves to dance, which many remember from our wedding, when she was a sprite 92. She has out lived two husbands and a son. Her memory might be going, but hot damn, if I am lucky enough to live to 96, I'd love to be as lucky as her. Our Michael is named after her son, L's father. A fact that made her tear up a few times.

How lucky is our Michael to have three great grandparents in his life? Wow. My husband only knew two of his grandparents in his lifetime, never a great grandparent. I was very lucky and knew all of my grandparents, losing the first when I was 24. My nana, my father's mother, passed away just weeks after we found out we were pregnant. And my mom's parents are living life to the fullest, spoiling and loving on their first great grandchild. I hope they live long enough for Michael to remember them, but I am grateful and thankful that they are here to know him and love him. And while my nana and L's father and L's other grandparents aren't here to know Michael, I know they are watching us and watching him. And I know they would be proud.

Now, let's switch gears to Sunday. Sunday we celebrated Rex and Penny's birthdays. Yes, we are those people. Rex we got on June 16, 2007 and he was 8 weeks old. So we celebrate his birthday on April 16th. Penny we got on Dec. 12, 2009 and she was about 8 months old. So to make things easy, we celebrate her birthday on April 16th as well. Now I know how lousy it is to share a birthday, but let's be real here. They're dogs.

First we loved on them and showered them with attention and allowed their favorite squeaky balls in the house, a usually no, no in my book. Then we made them homemade biscuits. Super easy, just milk, peanut butter, whole wheat flour and baking powder. And we ended the day with a family walk, one of my favorite things to do in the beautiful spring weather. Rex and Penny love walks and they both like to stick their nose in the stroller and check in on the Beaner.

Yup, I am that person.

Everyone loves a family walk.

Beaner was exhausted from a very eventful week.

"And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make." The Beatles

To work or not to work

If I hadn't taken the rest of the school year off, today would have been my first day back at work. I can't even imagine it.

Ironically though, I'm bringing Michael in to school tomorrow of my own accord to meet all my teacher friends. There is so much drama going on there right now, half of me wishes I was there every day to keep up on the gossip, but part of me wants to run for the hills, laughing all the way.

Its the only place I've ever taught, that crappy little craphole. I did a lot of subbing before I got the job there, but this has been it for the last eight years. My school. My kids. My staff to work with. And as much as I complain, the idea of teaching somewhere else is quite scary.

Being the music teacher in a school system that can't pass their standardized tests means that no one really gives a rat's ass what I do, so long as I show up and don't beat the kids with a drum stick. I know this sounds awful (and really it is because there is no curriculum or accountability for my students musically) but it means for me that I can do *whatever I want*. I can teach what I want, when I want, how I want. Which is super nice for me and my kids (even though they don't get grades, which isn't my fault). I really do like my kids. They are colorful and unique and there really is never a dull moment.

What if I go to a new school where they want me to teach something I don't know? That's my big concern. What if the kids actually know music and know the stuff better than me? What if the parents actually care about what goes on and they call me complaining about things? I have interacted with parents maybe ten times in the last eight years. And then totally unrelated, but very related, what about the Beaner? What will become of him if I'm off actually working all day (regardless of where it is)?

So that's where I'm at with that.

"Dream on, dream on, dream until your dreams come true." ~ Aerosmith

Bathtime

Last night we gave Michael a bath.

As soon as I placed his nakedness in the tub, a fountain of pee rose up and sprayed my leg and the wall of the shower.

L marveled at his range.

I was relieved he didn't pee when I carried him diaperless from the bedroom to bathroom.

After the bath we put him in jammies that say "Thank heaven for little boys".

Thank heaven indeed.

Coffee, noses and play mats

I drove two towns over to fulfill a major craving for an iced white chocolate mocha from Starbucks this morning. Yeah, there's a Starbucks about five minutes from my house, but this one two towns over is the closest one with a drive-thru. Now I know that makes me sounds wicked lazy, but here's the thing. Michael had been awake since 7:30am, it was now noon and he was wicked cranky due to being the anti-napper. I knew the car ride would put him to sleep and I was afraid that the in and out of the car would wake him up. So, yes I drove two towns over to get a four dollar drink all to get my son to sleep for a half hour. I don't judge you, don't judge me.

We've been battling this week to try and get Michael an appointment with the Ear, Nose and Throat doctor at Children's Medical Center. He's had this nasty congestion since he was born and while I've been told by every doctor and nurse in central Connecticut that this is totally normal for newborns, he's almost three months old, not a newborn, and not getting better. At his two month check-up the doctor first recommended the E,N,T in case there is a growth or blockage in his throat or nasal passage. Scary! The growth, if there is one, is totally normal and something he would grow out of as he gets older and nothing to worry about. So I called the E,N,T, but wasn't able to get an appointment until the end of May. (!!) But then he had a bad night with his daddy Tuesday when I was at band (ending with Michael throwing up formula all over the bathroom floor) we got him back in with the pediatrician Wednesday morning wanting answers and not wanting to wait two months to go to the specialist. Long story short, my favorite doctor in the office, Dr. Diamonds (she has a huge diamond ring and necklace) assured us that she is 95% sure that what we are hearing in his breathing is in his nose. His chest is clear, his lungs are clear, his ears are clear. She feels certain that the E,N,T will find that he has narrow nasal passages or possibly a blockage, she said she would be surprised if they find something in his throat. She also said that absolutely does not think he is struggling to breath. That was reassuring. She was able to get us an appointment with the specialist for the end of April, which is an improvement. In the meantime we suck out snot and run the humidifier and listen to him breathe and remember that it is just congestion and he'll grow out of it.

In much better news, I bought Michael a play mat yesterday. He is so in love with it. In retrospect, we should have registered for a play mat, I have no idea why we didn't. While the tummy time mat that we did register for was a great gift from my dear Dee, my suggestion to those registering for baby things in the near future would be to get the play mat and skip the tummy time mat, because you can use this for both. They had a bunch with all kinds of bells and whistles (yes, literally), but I opted for a plainer one. I love the patchwork type pattern and colors, a la Vera Bradley. Plus we already have a bunch of the toys made to hang from things. I'd much rather play for Michael music of my choosing, rather than the (annoying) music that comes with baby toys. (Right now we are listening to Disney on Pandora radio) (Pandora radio is my newest obsession. If you haven't checked it out, do it and then you can thank me later)

"It's the circle of life. And it moves us all." ~ The Lion King

To clarify

I posted a few weeks ago about how L was out in Atlanta and how I was desperate for him to come home. I talked about how didn't want to be alone and all that jazz. But I was thinking about Tuesdays and band and how much I look forward to it, so I guess I need to clarify.

As I posted once before, Tuesday is band day, and I love band. I took about two months off after The Beaner was born, but I started back last week. I heart band. While I love my husband and love my little man, I love those two hours at band.

L loves to do his marathons. It is his "thing". He loves his time at the gym. It is important to him and it makes him happy to do it. And because it makes him happy, I am happy to let him have that time for himself. Band is that for me.

Everyone needs to have there own "thing". Marathons, band, cooking class, locked in your bedroom with a book while the husband is with the baby and dogs... whatever. I don't think its healthy to not have things outside of your signifigant other. You need to be your own person in order to love your other person, in my opinion.

So, while a whole weekend was a really long time to be alone with a newborn and away from my husband, I do love and look forward to my time away.

I'm going to be a better blogger.

I really thought that after The Beaner was born I'd be a better blogger. That I'd be telling great stories and posting pictures and all of that. Seems as though being a mom keeps you really busy! Who'd a thunk it? However the whole reason I started this blog was to stay in touch with people who are important to me and keep a running record of my pregnancy (done!) and my Beaner (in progress). So my goal is to keep the second part of this a little better. (Yes I know I've said this before. Yes I know I wasn't good at keeping to it before. Yes, I am going to try harder this time.) I'm so in love with my little man and this shall be (one of) the ways I will show him off. :o)

Last week, at just about 9 weeks old, the little man started smiling. Oh that little face! Oh that toothless grin! For a while he'd smile at things. The animals on the mobile. The sun reflected on the wall. But then he started smiling at *us*. Be still my heart. He's starting to get a little personality. He kicks and squirms and you can tell when he loves something, and you can certainly tell when he doesn't love something. He loves funny faces and weird noises on his belly. He loves his toys that light up and make sounds and he hate, hate, hates his swing. He loves funny faces from his Daddy (there are many) and is a man who hates a wet diaper (but who does?)

Ten weeks ago today everyone was coming to Hartford Hospital to meet Michael for the very first time. I can't believe he's two and a half months old.

Is anyone else still a reality television junky or is it just me? I just love me some Bethanney Frankel. Love. Her. Now that Top Chef is over, she is my current obsession. I DVR her show Monday night and watch it Tuesday morning. I actually broke down and bought her book. Of course, the only thing I've done with it so far is use it as a coaster for my coffee.

You know whats great about today?

Nine months of pregnancy and two months and two days post baby, I finally fit into my favorite jeans!!

Boobies

So I spent this weekend being a "single mom".

The husband went to Atlanta on Saturday morning and ran in their half marathon yesterday and is making his way home as we speak.

Why did I let him do this? Because he enjoys it and it makes him happy and its only once a year. It was also relatively inexpensive as he stayed with a friend and really only paid for airfare and food. And of course I now have something to hold over his head when he bitches and moans that I want to go out. So that's that.

I did okay on my own. Michael and I grocery shopped and tried to nap and did other weekend stuff. Saturday afternoon we went down to Bubbie and Poppie's house and they hung out with Michael while I went out for dinner with my brother, sister and her boyfriend. Sunday afternoon we went to Grammie's and hung out and had dinner.

And while I'm glad that my husband went and did his run and had a good weekend, I am desperately waiting for him to get home. I know some people love their alone time and love to just be with them self, but I feel like it took L and I a really long time to find each other and I don't want to not be together. Everyone needs their alone time and I'm good with some alone time, but, you know.

So it seems we have a very smart and opinionated little man on our hands. As previously discussed, Michael and I didn't ease into breast feeding as smoothly as some. It has been rocky and somewhat (very) frustrating for all involved. One day last week Michael randomly decided that he was not going to nurse. Screamed and wouldn't go near my boob. He'd take the breast milk from a bottle, but not from me. I was reassured to know he was eating, but was emotional about the fact that he wouldn't nurse. We kept trying and about 8 hours later he was back at the boob. He's been nursing since, but fighting it, making it a quite stressful situation for us both. Last night he was up every two hours to eat. By 6am we were both exhausted, my boobs hurt, he wouldn't latch on and was clearly very hungry. So at 7am I defrosted some milk as fast as I could, threw it in a bottle, sat down and he chowed. And as he gulped down the milk, he looked me in the eye and we both kind of went "Ahhh". Nipple confusion? My son isn't confused. He is smart and opinionated and knows what he wants. When this first started last week I was torn. Part of me felt guilty because I was able to produce milk and breastfeed but really didn't want to and this was really what I wanted all along. But part of me was really, really upset and emotional about the fact that he didn't want his meals from me anymore. I've never been in love with breastfeeding, but I cried and cried when he first refused me. But this morning when he *literally* turned his nose at my boob, and we had that epiphany moment with the bottle, I really felt okay with it all. As I read on a mommy blog that I follow ~ Formula won't kill your kid, and breast milk won't make him fly. My son was breast feed for 8 full weeks and had his first bottle of formula this morning. I'll continue to pump for as long as I can, so that way he can still get breast milk, but we'll start introducing formula as well. And you know what? I don't feel like a bad mother.

Spring is in the air

Remember when I was so excited that it was snowing? Yea, I'm so done with the snow.
I was so happy to see this today. Spring is on its way, bringing all kinds of warmth, life, newness and love.

Also. I had been looking for a Uconn garden for forever and finally found this one today. I didn't know cost twenty bucks until I got to the register. Boo hiss that it was twenty bucks, but I am excited that I finally found it.

Updates

Good thing this laundry was clean when Rex rolled around in it...

The blog is back. Tell your friends.

Update~ Breastfeeding is still mad hard. However, pumping is a gift from above. I pump in the morning after I feed Michael and I get two good bottles that go into the freezer. We are building up a great supply. When I first started pumping and giving Michael the bottle I really loved it. I found it so much easier to bond with him in that moment, as crazy as that might sound to people who love the breastfeeding experience. I found it so much more enjoyable to sit with him and interact with him. No worries of latching on or pain or keeping him latched on or pain or pain. So I thought I would give him breast milk in a bottle exclusively and just pump, pump, pump. Turns out that's possible, but very unrealistic if you plan to do anything other than pump. So we have the milk in the freezer on reserve. I can rest assured that I can leave the house for more than two and a half hours at a time. L can feed him when he wants, and he's awesome about getting up with him during the night on the weekends. I can defrost some bottles if we are going out for the day and not have to worry about taking Michael into another room to nurse when we are in the middle of doing something social. I still nurse him ninety percent of the time but, I like knowing that I have it as an option.

Michael's got a bit of a cold. Two nights ago, L and I got absolutely no sleep. We laid in bed and listened to him fight with his nose to breathe. He's been congested pretty much since we brought him home from the hospital. I had called the doctor's office a few times, and the nurses assured me that it was normal fluid from when he was on the inside and from being born and it would work itself out. Now he's nearly seven weeks old and not only was it not getting better, but it seemed to be getting worse. And after that awful night of sleep and a little bit of a cough, I said enough is enough and I called the doctor for him to be seen. Basically he's got a cold. Unfortunately, there's little you can do about it because he's so young. We elevated his mattress and turned on the humidifier and try to suck out the snot. Last night's sleep was better than the night before and hopefully it was continue to get better. In the meantime, he's still happy and cute as a bean.

This tsunami stuff is terrible. The news footage of the water coming in is incredible. I can't imagine the fear and sadness those people are feeling. And here we are in Connecticut worried about some rain...

The blog is back. Tell your friends.

Mad hard, yo.

Here's something no one tells you, or at least no one told me. Breastfeeding is hard. Or as my sister would say, Breastfeeding is mad hard, yo.

No one told me this. You would think if nature intended this and it is natural and all that jazz, that it would not be difficult. But it is. Mad difficult, yo.

Getting him to latch on was hard. So hard that now, three and a half weeks later, we are just getting the hang of it without the use of plastic thingys that aide him in latching on.

Certainly I know that he is indeed getting what he needs, because at his two week check up where they look for them to be back at their birth weight, my Beaner was a half pound bigger than he was at birth.

And its not even the mechanics of breastfeeding that is hard. Waking up every three hours at night is hard. Being bound to your child every two to three hours during the day is hard. Knowing that your husband wishes he could help and more actively participate is hard. Telling him there is absolutely nothing he can do, is hard.

And then when you are ready to pump, there's bottles. Holy crap there's a lot of different kinds of bottles. And they not cheap, yo. Which one will he like? Which one is most "real"?

Now, all of that said, I wouldn't not breastfeed. As I've been told on many occasions, I'm very lucky that I'm able to breastfeed exclusively. And I know that "breast is best", as they say. It is natural, nothing is manufactured, nothing can be exactly reproduced.

My son is breastfeed, and I am glad for that and know that he will, probably, benefit from it. I'm just saying its hard. Mad hard.

Poop

L went back to work today, so Michael, Rex, Penny and I slept and watched TV and we changed a lot of diapers. (By *we* here I really mean me) We also pee on the wall (only once!!), drank a lot of milk and did a lot of pooping. (By *we* here I really mean Michael) But then there's this, so its okay.

Yesterday I:

drove my car for the first time in nearly two weeks.

had *real* sushi for the first time in nearly nine months. (Yummm Alaska roll)

went to Stew Leonard's for the first time in nearly three weeks.

fed my baby nine times.

slept for four and a half hours at one time. (cause my kid's cool like that)

changed my son's outfit four times because his pee can penetrate through just about anything.

stroked his hand as he clutched my finger while he ate each of those nine times.

still, nearly two weeks later, tried to grasp that this is my son. I am his mother.

I still don't think it has sunk in.

Idols

I can't wait for the day when American Idol does a heartfelt story about one of the contestants and they come out sounding like a dying cat, rather than sounding awesome like they do every single time.

All these seasons and it is the same format over and over. So predictable.

There will never be another William Hung.

The Sprouting of a Bean

Saturday January 22nd started out like every other Saturday. L went to the gym and came home around 10:30. I had been having contractions during the night and that morning, but not with any regularity so I wasn't too concerned at that point. But my womanly intuition told me that I needed to take a shower, needed to shave my legs, needed to put the nursing night gowns Dee gave me into my hospital bag.

We were all set to leave to go to Stew's and I went to go to the bathroom. Blood. Something wasn't right. "Change of plans" I said to L. I called the on-call doctor from my office who said she didn't think there was anything to worry about but why don't we meet her at the hospital to make sure. We rushed around to get the dogs settled and throw our hospital bags in the car, just in case.

At Labor and Delivery we went into a triage room where a midwife took my vitals and prepared for an internal exam. You are between 2 and 3 centimeter dilated, she said. And it looks like your water broke too. The nurse started to look for a vein for an IV. I said, are we doing this because we think we're staying? She looked at me and said, you're not going anywhere, dear, you're going to have a baby, probably in the next 24 hours. And at 12 noon we were admitted.

They moved us down to the birthing room and we got settled in. How long do you think, L said. Could be 12 hours, could be 24 hours, just got to wait it out, our new nurse Meredith said.

My contractions still weren't regular so at 3pm we started on Pitocin. The contractions came stronger and more regular, but I was dilating slowly. I stayed at 3 cm for quite a while. It seemed like forever. But the contractions were getting stronger and closer together. I could see how much it pained L to see me in so much pain. I could see how much it was hurting him to see me hurt. He said, do you want to think about the epidural? Do you want me to get the nurse? And ironically the nurse walked in. If you want the epidural, this is the time to do it. I wouldn't wait much longer than this, she said. So at 7pm the anesthesiologist and his little helpers came in.

Getting an epidural is not fun. Seriously, not fun.

Let's take a step back for a minute. I had gone to the doctor on Thursday. Wasn't dilated. Wasn't effaced. Beaner hadn't dropped. Friday afternoon I went and walked the mall because the doctor said it might help him make his decent. Friday night we went out for dinner and I had spaghetti with sausage because they said spicy might help. So there you have it.

Let's take another step back. We went to the hospital because I was bleeding. Normal, they told me. But it didn't stop. All through my contractions, all those hours, I bled. And bled. Normal, they told me. Now, I've never birthed a baby, but it seemed like a lot of blood. No one seemed concerned, so I tried to go with the flow. (haha).

So its 7pm and I got my epidural and things were better. L got comfy and we watched part of Good Will Hunting and part of Transformers and part of The Dark Knight. At 11pm they checked my progress and I was 8 cm. Yay.

At 1 am the contractions were worse. My mother keeps saying that she doesn't understand how you can push if you can't feel your legs or the contractions. Trust me, I could feel my legs and I could definitely feel the contractions. The nurse came in and checked and Ta-da!! 10cm and fully effaced! Let's get this party started she said. L was asleep and when he woke up the lights were on and people were there. What's happening? What's wrong? Is she in labor? Yes, she's in labor, we are going to start pushing.

The on-call doctor came in and the pushing began. Long story short, there was a lot of "You're not trying hard enough!" and "You need to do better!" and "Stop your crying!" She was lovely and we clicked right away.... grrr. But at 3:15am the Beaner arrived, no longer just a bean. He was a 6 pound, 20 and a half inch long little boy. Michael Benjamin was here. L cried and I cried and we were a family.

My blood pressure was low and I was feeling crappy. I held little Michael while L made calls to the new grandparents. We told them to stay home and come in the morning, and they actually listened.

Michael was all set to go to the nursery for his bath and some tests, and I still felt crappy. They took little Michael and wheeled us to our recovery room. L and slept until they brought Michael back to us around 7am.

Dizzy and light headed, I tentatively held my baby and watched L hold our baby. (It was the first time he ever held a baby!)

Long story short, everyone came and saw the new addition to the families. In the meantime, I couldn't keep any food down and I got up twice to go to the bathroom, and proceeded to pass out both times. Scary for me, probably scarier for everyone else. I was scared to get out of bed, scared to hold my baby. Finally someone wanted to do something and they suggested a blood transfusion. My blood levels were low and it could take over a week to bounce back on its own. (Humm, thought they didn't think I lost a lot of blood??) I wasn't going home light headed and afraid to hold my baby. Blood transfusion it was. And by the next morning I did feel better. And was able to hold my baby. And bond with my baby.

We left the hospital on Tuesday, and here we are. Saturday we woke up thinking we were going for samples at Stew Leonard's and ended up with a baby. Our baby. Our beaner. Michael Benjamin.

The Beaner!

Michael Benjamin arrived on Sunday January 23 at 3:15am. He was 20 and a half inches long and weighed 6 pounds! He's beautiful. I think we'll keep him!!

Preparation

I think our dogs are trying to prepare us for what is ahead.

Let me rephrase that~ Penny is trying to prepare us for what is ahead.

Every night for the last month or so, at 3:30am, she sits at the side of our bed and cries. "Go lie down." I say. And she does, for about 2 minutes. Then she comes back and paws at the bed. "Go lie down." Then she goes out to the living room and wakes up Rex. He in turn growls at her, and gets up off the couch. He sits in the door way of our bedroom and I say "Go lie down." And he does, because he's a good boy. But Penny continues to cry and paw and be a pain in the rear. Finally L says, "Should I take her out? Maybe she has to pee?" And I say that I don't like this habit we are getting into with her. He'll lay in bed for a minute longer and then finally gets up and takes her out. She pees and everyone goes back to sleep.

I don't like that a 30 pound dog is dictating our sleep habits, but I do love my dog.

I also don't like that my husband is enabling our 30 pound dog to dictate our sleep habits. But that's a different story all together, isn't it.

Snowday

Now that's 2 feet of snow. :o)

Did you know there's over a foot of snow on the ground and there's more still falling? It's awesome. Aside, of course, that L had to go to work, driving in what the news described as "treturous conditions". He made it there in one piece, and I know he will make it home in one piece as well.

After L called me and I knew he was at work safely, I curled up in bed, intent on sleeping until forever. Rexer curled up at my feet, snoring and Penner curled up on L's pillow, farting. Ahhh... my loves.

**The phone rang at 8:30 and 9. But its okay. They were both well intentioned.**

For breakfast I made waffles with chocolate chips that were yummmmmy if I must say so myself, and I must, because Rex and Penny didn't get to have any and can't give input.

And now I sit on the couch in my jammies until whenever I want. Because I can.

Oh and this snowday comes right smack in the middle of my last week at school. Woot.

Weighty issues

A snow day from school on a day where it doesn't actually snow until almost 3 o'clock is the best day ever.

In case you were wondering, I am still not dialated or effaced or any of those things they use use to measure if you are "progressing". However, Dr. Just Graduated From My Residency also assured me that this is not any indication of when I will have my Beaner. Then on the phone I told my husband that I feel a little bit like he wants to stay in there forever. But then I regained reality and assured my husband, The Father To Be, that this is just not possible. He will come out eventually. To which he said, "Get outta my belly!" And we both laughed. I love my husband.

We were talking recently about how I never really had any cravings during my pregnancy. No "I need pizza now or I'm going to kill you" or anything like that. I was into ice tea for a while, and hot chocolate, but those where just passing fads, really. My only aversion has been to my former BFF coffee. Amazing really, I never would have thought I could get through the day without it. I have, however started eating apples and drinking orange juice, two things I never used to eat. I think I've had a Granny Smith apple just about every day for the last 8 months. I love them and it makes the Beaner do a kick boxing routine, and that makes me happy. The orange juice I started to drink because Dee told me it would make The Bean move. At first it worked, but then I think he got tired and said enough already. But I like the taste and oddly it doesn't give me crazy heartburn like it did pre-pregnancy.

Lately though I have been so into sugar. Wednesday night I said to L, I would love some ice cream. To which he replied, no I don't really want any. To which I replied, I didn't ask if you wanted any. And a half hour later he was on his way to the store to buy ice cream (and whip cream and chocolate syrup). Thursday for breakfast I had a hot chocolate and a Boston cream donut. And ice cream after dinner. This morning I made cinnabons, and ate, I think, 4 of them (but not all in one sitting). I also felt compelled to buy a 2 liter bottle of Sprite (we don't ever buy soda for the house, but I've been buying a lot of it lately), I think as of now I have drank half of it. And the night's still young.

But miraculacly I haven't gained any weight in the last three weeks!!

Waiting

Clearly, I would never make it as a *real* blogger.

I try really hard to stay on task. I try really hard to update regularly. I do. Really I do. But sometimes, and I know this will be shocking, I just don't have interesting things to say. At least they aren't interesting to me. And if it isn't interesting to me, how could it possibly be interesting to you?

I am 17 days away from my due date, and as of my last doctor's appointment one week ago, I was not dialated or effaced or any of those things they use to measure if you are "progressing". However Dr. Talks Way Too Softly assured me that this is not any indication of when labor might come on. Which makes no sense to me whatsoever, but she talked way too softly and I couldn't bear to say "What was that?" or "Huh?" one more time.

Our house is full of baby things. A beautiful crib, with beautiful ABC bedding that has been all washed and ready to be slept in. A beautiful dresser full of the cutest little outfits and socks and hats and blankets, all ready to be worn. A beautiful bassinett, with a fitted sheet with little cars on it, all ready to be rolled right next to our bed. A wonderful Pack n' Play, all set up with its changing station and bassinett, all ready for snoozing. A cutie green swing that looks like a little space ship, all ready for swinging. A hospital bag, packed with my pj's, undies and socks, baby clothes and a blanket. And diapers and diapers and diapers, all ready to be pooped in.

And now we have nothing left to do but wait.

This impatient, anxious part of me is very jealous of my dear Dee. She and her husband knew for months, "This is the day we are having our baby." L and I can countdown to my due until the cows come home, but the bottom line really is that the chances of The Beaner actually arriving on that day are slim.

To be honest, I'm really not that worried about actual labor and pain and all of that. I'm not worried about not getting the epidural in time. Really, I'm not. I'm worried about then *when*. When will it happen? What if I don't know that its happening? What if we wait too long and I don't get to the hospital in time? What if it happens next week and I'm at school? I go to bed at night thinking "Will it be tonight?" and then I wake up thinking "Will it be today?" All that not knowing and waiting is maddening.

I go back to the doctor tomorrow. And a doctor I've never met before will check on my *progress*.

And in the meantime, we wait.