On March 17th I got my period.
On March 22nd I was told I was no long able to use my classroom and would need to begin "music on a cart" asap.
On March 24th we started shock collars with our dogs for training.
On March 25th we learned that my health insurance covers zero dollars of IVF and even though Gordo's insurance covers 100%, I can't get on his plan until November.
And this, my friends, is why I haven't been blogging. And this is why if you've seen me, talked to me, spent time with me, I might seem a bit out of sorts. Its not about you, its entirely about me. Nineteen months is a really long time to be trying to do the thing that should be the most natural and easy thing in the world to do. And it sucks.
But its not just about that anymore.
Its about loathing getting out of bed because I dread my job that much. Its about a thirty minute drive feeling like hours and hours because that destination is just the last place I want to be.
Its about this beautiful little rescue dog that we brought into our home, who is just the cuddliest, cutest thing with us and Rex, but is so scared and frightened of everything in the world. It is about the fear in the pit of my stomach that even though Penny has improved so, so much that when we do bring a baby into this house she will revert and freak and we will need to get rid of our dog.
It is about how much all of this is weighing on my marriage. Really weighing on my marriage.
And its about so many other things as well.
I am going to try to post more regularly again. It feels good to get what is going on in my mind "out there". It is actually sitting down to do it that is hard. But I am going to try. Because I think it will help me be better.
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