Dear Rex

Dear Rex,

Your father and I love you very much, but we need to talk about a few things.

First, why is it, dear dog, that you are sound asleep at 6am during the week, but wide awake at 6am on the weekends? You wake up with your father at 5:45 to share oatmeal, and then you go back to sleep. During the week I *need* to leave the house by 7. You, my dear pup, stretch and yawn, and it seems to take all levels of effort to get you outside to pee and/or poop. You drag and look extra cute in your exhaustion. On the weekends though, dear dog who we love so much, you are beaming with life and energy at 6am. Barking, balls squeeking, paws pawing. Please explain, dear doggie, what the difference is between 6am Monday through Friday, and 6am on Saturday and Sunday.

Next, when your father and I are in bed and you are laying at the end of the bed, and we *accidently* kick you, forcing you off the bed, this is not a cue for you to jump back up, or bark, or paw at us. When we then close the door, this is not a cue for you scratch at the door, or cry outside of the door. While we know that you have never, and will never, know what sex is like, we on the other hand do, and therefore we pretend to kick you to get you off the bed and close the door on you. You'll get over it.

Why is it, my favorite dog in the world, that you can always *always* manage to get the ball stuck under the couch? Or the bed? Or anything it will go under rendering you unable to get at it?? Why can't you stick your paw under there and get it out, just the way I will with my arm? And when the ball gets stuck under said obstacle, why do you feel the need to bark at where the ball is? And bark and bark and bark. And bark. And then bark some more. Can we teach you to talk like a person? Things would be so much easier.

We love you very much, pup. When I say things like "I will end you" or "You smell", its all in love. Thanks for the talk. I feel much better now.

Love,

Mommy and Daddy