Every morning when I get to school, I turn on my computer, sit down and read my blogs. I am a creature of habit and this has become a wonderful way to start my day. My favorite blog, the one I look forward to the most, is "Nat the Fat Rat". I love the way she writes, I love the pictures of her husband and her dogs. I love that she is just so darn cute. I love that I could totally see her hanging out with my friends. And she's been struggling with trying to get pregnant too. I feel like we could be the same person, she and I. The last few days she's been talking about going for a "thing" and how many would be in the "thing" and how unfortunate it is that her husband is away for the "thing". People commented, excited to find out how many babies would be in the ultrasound, but "thing" is so vague. Then another vague post yesterday. Maybe the "thing" wasn't an ultrasound and the "how many" wasn't babies. So today when I turned on my computer, I was eager to find out. And there it was, in the middle of the screen at 7:30am. Big, black and white and blob-like. And I sat at my computer, at 7:30am and cried. And cried. And my eyes are welling up now almost 5 hours later.
I just got my period this morning, you see. Just like I have for the last 19 months. But this time I didn't think it was coming. I didn't feel it at all. And then like a bat out of hell, there she was. What a bitch Mother Nature can be.
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Aww, I'm so sorry. I read it last night right before going to work, and even though I felt so incredibly happy for her, I was broken.
ReplyDeleteSee, it's also been probably 19 months for us. We were on three months of clomid - no luck at all. Now we're buying a house and taking a break (at least from the clomid).
I'm feel hopeless, helpless, alone. But reading your post made me feel not so alone. I'm here for you <3
Thank you for this, April. We should exchange emails and vent to each other. I've finally caught up on your blog. For some reason it doesn't come up on my RSS feed and I have to manually enter it. My body did not react well to the Clomid, long story, so we are now exploring other options. As I said to my husband today, I am so done with this. :o/
ReplyDeleteStacey, so glad you feel the same way. I think it's important to vent to others (besides the hubbies, who I'm sure get sick of it). My email is april_faith@hotmail.com, please feel free to email me with more of your story, and I will do the same. :)
ReplyDeleteDee says....
ReplyDeleteI am glad that Stacey that you have April. I feel a little helpless knowing the right words to say, or if I should speak at all. I dont know what you are going through. I don't know what your feeling. All I know is that I am ready to rent you my kid for a week....free rental!